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Today I write not about eating disorders, but about my victory.
I no longer hold so much pain in my heart.

YOU need to know, recovery is possible, and you CAN eat without thinking about calories and weight, you CAN throw out your scales, and you CAN be happy without a bony body.

One lady in my comments said that she knew I had a bright future, a few of you sent me your love.
I never saw these comments, but I saw them today, and I want to thank you for caring and let you know that I'm okay now. :)

Life will never be completely okay, but just know that there is so much more to you than your body. What about that amazing mind, that beautiful heart of yours? That is who you really are.

<3

P.s. all these positive comments about my writing have inspired me to start my writing again. Thank you.

developments

so, i havent posted in a while.

i've had a lot of time to think about my life.
ive tried to recover from all whatever the hell eating disorder i had.
and in doing that, ive discovered more about myself.

i never believed for a second that eating disorders were not about weight.
i was always so concerned about my weight. i still am, but when im not restricting its much more clear why im like this.
i believe i have depression.
i dont doubt it one bit.
i dont binge, i might eat a bit more than i should because im upset.
and when i purge, its not even because of the calories.
its like i eat my feelings, and i want to be rid of them.

im afraid ill develop binge eating disorder. if i get any more depressed.
last year i was eating loads each day and i got fat, i dont want to get like that again...
i thought that i was eating loads because i'd been denied it for so long.
but now i realise its because i was using it to deal with my own shit.

fuck.
fuck life. i havent addressed my feelings so much as in the past few weeks.
i have never hated life more.
because i now know exactly how screwed up i am, ive lost whatever self worth i had left.
im losing my boyfriend too.
i cant make him happy anymore, all i do is cut, purge occasionally and wallow in self pity.
fuck.

i want meds, i want them fucking now.
im going to fail year 12 if i dont get fucking meds.


x

hatred.

anorexia was so much easier.
id focus on how to avoid food, feel empowered when i did and watch the numbers drop.
and thats it. sure the starving hurt, but it was better than emotional pain.
bulimia is a whole different story.
of both physical and emotional pain.
which lasts longer this time around.
its only been a month, and ive fallen into addiction.

the stupid thing is, i know exactly what im doing.
i know what im doing when im going back to the cupboard for more. i know im not hungry. i know im using food to deal with my emotions.
i know how the binge purge cycle works. i know this will end with my fingers down my throat.
when im over the toilet bowl, i know ill keep going until i get "enough" out. i know i wont get all of it out.
sometimes, i know it wont even work. that the dark bags on my eyes and bruised knuckes are for nothing.
i know the acid is the cause of the pain in my teeth, so i dont complain about it.
i know my oesophagus is hurt.
i know this will continue, that its addictive.
i know EXACTLY what ive done.
and i'll do it again, sometimes more than once in a day.

it's killing my boyfriend. he knows i do it.
he knows im destroying myself every day and he cant do anything about it.
i'm hurting him.
and im hurting my parents.
and im hurting myself.

im full as i write. i need a distraction. im trying to stop. to recover.
it's not easy.
i wish i never tried to recover from anorexia.
more so i wish i'd never developed it.
then i wouldnt be sitting here wanting to watch the food drop out of my mouth and all over my hands and look at my broken, battered face in the mirror and think "you're fucking pathetic".

thats what i am
im pathetic.
so pathetic that ill watch the blood drop out of my arm instead, and go to sleep as if it was a lullaby, singing, soothing me into slumber.

goodnight.

starting again


ED SURVEY
 
Height?: 5'3
Weight?: 110
Lowest Weight?: 101
Highest Weight?: 123
What weight do you want to weigh?: anywhere in between 105 and 114... and maintain it.
What eating disorder do you have?: i think i have bulimia. undiagnosed.

In Depth

How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?: some days itll be less than 500, some days nothing, some days way over 1000.
Do you throw up your food on occasion?: yes, well, its been almost every day now.
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?: no, theyre ugly
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?: nah
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?: yep
Have you ever fasted? yes, longest ive got away with was 2 days. i like it. it blocks out emotion.
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?: no. laxatives are pointless pain
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?: not anymore
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?: nope.
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?: no, i can do it fine myself now
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?: i developed bulimia trying to recover from anorexia. fml.

Body Image Q's

Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?: yes
What part of your body would you change?: stomach (getting surgery next year) and legs.
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?: 8 i guess. im more concerned about recovering atm.
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?: sometimes
Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed?: yes
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?: no. i compare myself to real people

Health/Food

Do you think you eat healthy enough?: some days. but when i binge, no.
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?: im getting over that, carbs are important to me nowdays. at least in main meals.
Fat grams?: yes.
Calories?: i mostly count them
Are you often tired/fatigued?: yes, from depression mostly.
Do you feel more energised after eating food?: yes if im feeling good. otherwise if i eat i feel gross and lethargic
Do you eat meat?: yes, protein is important. dont really like much red meat though
Do you eat your food in a certain way? lol, i chop it up weirdly. does anyone else cut their chicken parma in half horizontally? haha
Do people tell you you look sick or famished?: they tell me i look tired.
Have you ever thrown up blood?: nope
Is your heart bpm above 49?: it was normal last time i checked
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?: no, but i want to. just so i can justify to myself that im sick enough to get help.

Other Stuff

Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?: yes. thats how i learnt.
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?: its so supportive...not evil like stupid documentaries say. its the best place ever.
Do you have any other mental disorders? im a cutter, im depressed though i could have bipolar (mum thinks so) and i think im developing mild anxiety. and i'm a hypochondriac, just incase you couldnt tell ;)
What's your favourite food to eat?: i like breakfast cereal, and jalna yoghurt, fruit, eggs. if im shit at life, then chocolate.
Favourite drink?: water
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?: yes, yes yes . always nowdays.
Do you want to recover?: yes. 100%.

thought this was a good place to start

ED SURVEY
 
Height?: 5'3
Weight?: 110
Lowest Weight?: 101
Highest Weight?: 123
What weight do you want to weigh?: 99 is my ultimate goal
What eating disorder do you have?: anorexia, but if i was diagnosed i'd be EDNOS

In Depth

How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?: on a good day, between 70-700? bad days, over 1,000
Do you throw up your food on occasion?: nope
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?: no i hate them all
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?: nah
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?: yep
Have you ever fasted? yes, yes i have :D
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?: nope. i dont wana screw up my insides more than i need to
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?: nah
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?: nope. lucky me
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?: i've strongly thought about it, but no
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?: yeah. i did fully once but for like 2 weeks.

Body Image Q's

Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?: yep
What part of your body would you change?: stomach!!! and thighs
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?: 3 atm
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?: mm nah
Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed?: yes
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?: no. i compare myself to real people

Health/Food

Do you think you eat healthy enough?: yes, but i think to be sure i'd have to eat alot more
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?: yes! except for breaky... sometimes...
Fat grams?: nowdays
Calories?: my number one!
Are you often tired/fatigued?: yep
Do you feel more energised after eating food?: yes, specially if its carbs.
Do you eat meat?: not if i can help it. dont like red meat
Do you eat your food in a certain way? nah, just systematically. try to eat the lower cal stuff first
Do people tell you you look sick or famished?: no!
Have you ever thrown up blood?: no
Is your heart bpm above 49?: it was normal last time i checked
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?: nah. 

Other Stuff

Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?: yes
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?: its so supportive... but i havent been accepted yet. I WANT IN!
Do you have any other mental disorders? yeah, i cut. whatever that means.
What's your favourite food to eat?: watermelon or strawberries. delicious, neg cal and FILLING.
Favourite drink?: water or green tea
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?: sometimes. but i want to be skinny.
Do you want to recover?: same answer. stupid battle.

hopefully i'll start posting more :)

<3

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